Guidelines for Effective Staff-Child Relationships

The following guidelines, adapted from the National School-Age Care Alliance (NSACA) Impact Quality Series, provide a list of fundamental expectations for program staff in dealing effectively with children. Use these guidelines to orient program administrators and staff members and help them to assess whether their behavior meets nationally recognized quality standards.

1. Use child friendly language.
We work with kids. Parents and families trust us to be good role models for their children and youth. So we have to be extra careful about what we say and how we say it. There are four simple ways to keep your language kid friendly:

Don't swear.
Don't gossip at work.
Don't tease or put down children or youth
Use words that children can understand.

2. Be a leader first and foremost.
It's important that kids respect you. You are responsible for their safety. If you need to get children out of a dangerous situation and they don't listen to you, they could be harmed. Kids need to recognize you as their leader, not their friend. Some basic points to remember are:

You are not the children's buddy or peer.You want them to like you, but you must also establish your position as the group's leader.
Be friendly, but you're an adult and you're in charge.

3. Turn off your cell phone or pager.
You must focus your entire attention on the supervision of the children. Being in charge of 8-10 children is more than enough to keep all of your senses busy. The kids deserve your full attention and their safety requires it! Your focus on the children and youth also communicates that you think the children are important. While supervising children and youth:

Focus on the children and program goals.
Take care of any personal events, conversations, or issues before the program starts for the day; don't bring them to work.

4. Learn the names of the children you work with.
Learning a child's name is the first step in building a relationship with him or her. When you take the time to learn your kids' names, you communicate your respect for them and their backgrounds. Many people are visual learners and learn names faster if people wear name tags. Feel free to ask your supervisor for this sort of support. Also:

Ask children repeatedly for their names if you have trouble remembering.
Make the effort to pronounce the name of a child correctly.
Never make fun of a child's name.

5. Greet every child. Greetings are very powerful.
They make each child feel individually recognized and cared about. Kids come to the program after a long day at school. They need the warmth of a personal greeting as they start the afterschool part of their day. Remember to:

Greet every child by name as he enters the program and say something to help him feel welcome.
It can be especially heart-warming to a child if you notice her recent absence. Saying something like "I missed you yesterday. I'm glad you got over your cold," can make a child feel valued.
Be aware of your body language. Keep it approachable. Smile.

6. Start up conversations with kids.
Expressing an interest in the ideas, feelings and opinions of the children shows that you care about them. Also, it will make it easier to learn information that will help you serve children's needs. Having conversations with kids is one of the main ways that we build relationships with them.

Ask open-ended questions about kids' interests, such as "What is your favorite thing to do on a rainy day?" "What do you like best about your favorite video game?" Open-ended questions encourage children to think and can not be answered with a "yes" or "no."
Be sure to keep an eye on all the kids you are supervising while you are talking with a particular child or children.

7. Give your attention to children equally.
It's natural to have a soft spot for a particular kid or kids, but your job is to work with all the kids in your care. Keep an eye on yourself in terms of how you treat kids. Be especially careful not to play favorites. Treat all children with respect and care:

Reach out to all children in a way that respects their individual and cultural differences.
Pay special attention to the physical and emotional needs of the children and youth.
Don't play favorites.

8. Really listen to children.
It can be easy to misunderstand a situation or what a child is telling you. Listening shows respect for a child. Some children are better with words than others. While it can be frustrating to listen to a child who has trouble expressing himself, exercise patience and give him the time he needs to explain. Asking questions gives you a better chance of understanding what he is trying to say.
Following the LAW principle can help:

Listen Don't assume you know what's going on. Ask Are you OK? What do you need? How can I help? Wait Don't be quick to rush in and solve everything.
When a conflict arises, listen equally to all sides even if one of the children is a known troublemaker.

9. Pay attention to positive behavior.
Many people believe that children gain self-esteem through praise. This is not true. In fact, children gain self-esteem from learning new skills. However, when you notice a child's kind behavior, use of a new word, or growing ability in an area do not hesitate to praise what you see. This shows the child that you are interested. Remember to always: • Watch and smile at children when they behave well.

Comment on their positive behaviors.
Avoid over-complimenting and giving out empty praise. Give positive and specific feedback when it is earned.

10. When a child makes a mistake, ask her to think of a better way of dealing with the situation.
Mistakes and misbehavior are teachable moments. This means that they give a great opportunity to help a child find a better way to solve a problem or deal with a situation and become more skillful in the future. Never use your role as a staff member to "tell off" a child or "put him in his place." Your job is to help children find better ways of behaving.

Correct mistakes and misbehavior gently and privately. Never correct a child in front of other children. Avoid this and any other disciplinary method that relies on shaming for effect.
Separate the child from the behavior. Don't criticize the child.
Help children find words and resolutions to conflict. Ask: How did you feel? What do you need? What are your options?
Do not lose your temper with a child. This is an abuse of your positions as a caregiver. It can be deeply damaging to a child.
When you are the one making the mistakes and we all do own what happened and try to make amends through an apology or other action. Children learn from how we handle ourselves, so show kids how you would like them to behave when they make a mistake.